Updates

Thanks, everyone, for your sympathies. It has not been an easy few weeks, or even an easy few months. Hell, is my life even SUPPOSED to be easy anymore? Don't answer that; I don't want to know.

We buried Tootsie at my sister's house out in the country. If there was a silver lining in any of this, it is the fact that we were able to bury her there, in a place we can come back to remember her. My sister and her family are a permanent fixture there. If Tootsie had died back up in Virginia, we wouldn't have had that. We have no roots there, being in the military and moving around so much.



Decisions have not come easy for me, but none-the-less, I have decided to stay put while Sean is gone for the next year. I can only hope that in the end it will have been the best choice for my family. Regrets, at times, are inevitable but I am prepared to live my decision and the consequences there of. I'll just need a bit of reminding from time to time in my down moments.

We leave Monday for three days at Disney World. I figured this is a great family moment before daddy takes off, so last minute plans were made and the kids are beside themselves. I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy a few minutes over those 72 hours, making it all worth it. Right? I mean keeping track of four kids at like 5 parks for 3 days is sure to bring a moment or two of sheer bliss for the parents, even if those moments are when our heads hit the pillows at night with all four punks tucked safely into their hotel beds, not a single one having been lost for more than an hour or two at the most. Note to self: perhaps leashes would be a smart accessory.

I have less than a week left here in Florida. It will be good to be back in my own home, but then begins the countdown until I quite possibly lose my mind for several days, both before and after Sean actually leaves. Tissues and wine should be stocked up.

I have a lot of fears for this next chapter in my life; fears that I am sure to share. So stay tuned for the unraveling of my life. It should be awesome!

A Plain Old Family

According to Julianna, "We are a plain old family now with no pets."

I have to agree. We are much plainer without our Tootsie.

Tootsie: July 26, 1996 - July 3, 2008

We love you and will miss you horribly but will never forget your happy spirit.

What Would You Do?

The Situation:

Your husband is leaving on a 12 month deployment to Afghanistan. You could stay put where you currently are in Virginia, 900 miles away from home or you could move back to your hometown to be near family.

Staying Put: Your kids, all four of them in school, are in a great school district where the education is outstanding; an education that you will be hard pressed to find again while moving with the military. Your next move could either come in the summer of 2009 when your husband returns or you could more than likely not move until the summer of 2010, meaning you would have stayed in one place for 4 whole years. Your children have great friends whom they would miss dearly; your heart will break watching your kids say goodbye but know that it will have to happen eventually anyway. They are all involved in phenomenal sports programs; the two oldest both on travel soccer teams which are competitive. You yourself have a few wonderful friends that keep your life there enjoyable. You live in a nice rental home on a relatively safe cul-de-sac, which you count your blessings for, especially since your kids love to play outside most of the time. You are fairly secure in the thought that you could keep your sanity for that year you are a single parent, though you are also fairly confident you'll need some wine or Xanax to accomplish that on occasion.

Moving: Your mother is quite frail and this is the perfect opportunity to spend the year helping her mend. She has another major surgery coming up, perhaps by the end of the year that will take a lot out of her and she will need even more help during her recovery. You couldn't live with yourself if something were to happen and you weren't there. Your children would have a year of quality time spent with grandma and other close family, a long span of time that they have never had and won't have for at least 4-6 years when your husband can retire from the military, and if you decide to move back to your hometown. You have tons of other family in the area, including your husband's parents and siblings and your very own sister. You and your children would have a year of being surrounded by family in your day-to-day life. While the schooling wouldn't be as good, you could enroll them in a decent school. You'd hopefully be able to find them some soccer teams and it would be fun to have family attend the games. And if not, well maybe a year off of demanding schedules wouldn't be so bad. Decent housing would be frustrating to find, but not impossible, and moving would be a complete pain in the ass, especially with the knowledge that you'd have to move again next summer and maybe even the summer after that. You are more likely to stay nearly completely sane with all the help you'd have from family and if, god forbid, anything were to happen to your husband you'd have immediate support.

So, please tell me. What would you do? I have just a few days to decide here.

Proof That I Have Lost My Ever-Loving Mind

Scene: Target Parking Lot

Characters: Me, A Concerned Stranger, A Helpful Stranger

After exiting the store with my cartful of purchases (filled with various items of busywork for the children who are driving me bananas), I started off for the parking lot in search of the car I arrived in, which happened to be my mother's vehicle that I am obviously unfamiliar with. I meandered down the aisle I thought I had parked in, realizing soon that the car was not there. I searched the next aisle over because certainly I was just one aisle off, but the car was not there either. As I returned to the original aisle, a concerned stranger inquired about my obvious look of confusion. I politely informed him that I seemed to have misplaced the vehicle that I had parked not 20 minutes earlier. He laughed and went about the business of unloading the contents of his cart into his trunk.

The original aisle still did not contain my automobile even though I went down a bit further thinking I must have misjudged the distance, not the aisle itself. When I returned to the other aisle yet again, the same, but now very concerned stranger asked me if I had tried pushing the panic button to sound the alarm, which I had been doing with still no results. He also asked what kind of car it was. "A white Infinity," I replied as I kept circling around in a frustrated strut. Just then, a very helpful stranger piped up from yet another aisle over informing me that OVER THERE, ma'am, resided a white Infinity, which just so happened to be the car I was searching for. Embarrassed and yet so very thankful, I climbed in and sped away.

On my way home I thought I should have explained to these strangers that I am not a ditz, just a very stressed out individual whose mind has been abducted by things I have no control over.

Please, dear strangers, give me a minute or thirty to make you understand that I AM NOT STUPID. You see, several years ago, I got married, had four kids and am now responsible for 5 other individuals. Not only that, but I am here in FL, 900 miles away from my home, taking care of my ailing mother for the summer and on top of not having had regular sleep for the last twelve years due to the children and the husband, I have had maybe a solid two hours of shut eye since arriving a week ago. Also, I just found out 2 days ago that my husband is leaving for Afghanistan for a twelve-month deployment in August, approximately 2 weeks after I return home from here. And I'll have you know, we've been dealing with intermittent A/C outages and my brain fries under this hot, humid Florida sun, especially after it has already melted under the pressure of my life. So, if I cannot find my white, four-door sedan in the sea of white, four-door sedans that every other driver in Florida happens to own, well, I have good reasons. (And not the least of which is the fact that my mother has not yet stuck a tennis ball on her antenna in order to differentiate hers from all the others with tennis balls stuck to them.)

And then after wasting my brain power and taking the time to come up with this completely imaginary conversation with complete strangers who could really care less, it dawned on me that I shall very soon be going off the deep end. Of course, I really can't be sure I'll even know where the deep end is. It could be in the Dopey aisle or it could be in the Goofy aisle or maybe even the Dumbo aisle. But I'm pretty sure I've parked in all those aisles before.

Is This My Midlife Crisis?

I always thought a midlife crisis was an immature response to the realization that, "Hey. I am not as young as I think I am and I have all these responsibilities that, quite frankly, I don't want to be responsible for anymore." I believed these "crises" were an adult hissy fit equivalent to that of an 8 year old who, after demanding Toaster Struedel for breakfast every single day for her entire childhood, all of a sudden wakes up one day screaming that you are the meanest mommy in the world because you KNOW how much I despise Toaster Struedel! Duh! You know, those temper tantrums that are the result of EXACTLY NOTHING AND MAKE NO SENSE AT ALL.

In this adult temper tantrum, you'd expect me to up and leave my husband and kids, run off with a man 20 years my junior, crossing the border in my brand new, luxury convertible that I depleted my retirement account to purchase. Right? I mean that is the irrational behavior of someone in the midst of a midlife crisis.

But me? My midlife crisis? I have actual REASONS to become unglued. Reasons that are making me lose my shit. In no particular order, here they are in one long, rambling paragraph.

My husband is going through another bout of some UNFAIR CRAP. (Go ahead, click on that link and read those stories in italics and then come back here and tell me that,"Life is unfair, bitch, get over it.") We are also stressed to the max because we have no idea what his new Army job will be this summer, but we do know that there are only two possibilities. One that will require his frequent absence from our lives for up to 3 months at a time and another that will take him away from us and to Iraq or Afghanistan for a full 15 months. Both options are just so great. My mom has had a horrible setback in her recovery. I will be heading down to FL next week for pretty much the entire summer to care for her. The kids are just thrilled with the prospect of leaving their daddy, their friends and their home for such a long period of time, especially with the fact that daddy won't be around very much come August because of his new job. I am trying to prepare myself with the single-parenting life I'll lead and part of that preparation means I am wondering if I could find a doctor that would hook me up to a year's supply of IV Valium shot directly into my veins. Either Valium or Tequila, I'm not sure which would be more effective. And I am worried that if my mom has even more serious health issues that require me to up and leave on a moments notice, how am I supposed to pull that off when I don't have my husband around to take care of the kids? My options are either pull them out of school and take them with me or don't go at all. The latter is so not an option. Our dog of almost 12 years is getting older and sicker. Decisions will have to be made soon--ones that I don't even want to think about. There are more stressors that I won't bore you with.

But the worst part? I am having a hard time choosing what color that convertible should be.

**This post was supposed to be me declaring that I am throwing in the towel on this blog that is apparently mistitled. It should really be called "A Fucking Mess". But instead of telling you I am closing up shop, the above crap came bellowing out, telling me that this blog is more therapeutic than I give it credit for. But, obviously, I won't be around much anymore, that is for sure, although this blog has been quite irregular and sporadic for a while anyway. I will write when I can and when the Tequila stupor allows me to. Take care, everyone.

Maybe If Heaven Had Internet Access

No. My mother is not in heaven. She is now in a rehab facility working on regaining enough strength to go home, after more than two weeks in the hospital, one of which was in the ICU. Without going into details, I'll just tell you that death was too close. And it was scary seeing it just hovering, waiting to strike.

One day, it will strike. It gets us all. But I was thinking, in one of my lighter moments, that if the other side had internet access, email and instant messaging, how awesome that would be.

On Hold

My mom is in the hospital. Will be back when I can.